Querida Consejera,
I’m finding it very difficult to live up to the expectations of being an ideal mother — one who takes care of her home and looks after her children — while also being an efficient professional and showing up for my partner, the rest of my family and my friends.
How can I find a real balance? The guilt of not being able to do everything is exhausting me. How can I stop trying to be everything to everyone and start enjoying motherhood without feeling emotionally drained?
— Alicia
Dear Alicia,
Thank you for your question. It’s one I hear often. Many mothers are carrying this same feeling, even if it’s not always spoken out loud.
I want to begin by honoring what you’re feeling.
That sense of exhaustion — that guilt — is a voice inside you, and it didn’t come out of nowhere. So I want to gently ask: Where is that voice coming from?
Research shows that when we name what we’re feeling, our nervous system begins to calm. The amygdala, the part of the brain that responds to stress, starts to settle. So even being able to say, “I feel overwhelmed,” is already a powerful step toward caring for yourself.
If we can acknowledge an emotion, instead of ignoring it or feeling ashamed of it, we can begin to understand it. And often, that inner voice isn’t trying to harm you. It’s trying to protect you.
There’s a therapy approach called Internal Family Systems (IFS) that speaks to this. It invites us to listen to our emotions as if they are parts of us that are trying to help. So instead of pushing the feeling away, you might ask: What is this guilt trying to tell me? What do I need right now?
Take a moment. Breathe.
Part of this exhaustion may come from an expectation that isn’t sustainable. One person can’t carry everything. In many of our communities, especially as Latinas, we’re taught that a “good mother” puts everyone else first, even at the cost of herself. But balance isn’t about doing everything well. It’s about not doing everything alone.
So let’s gently look at your reality:
- How supported do you feel in your day-to-day life?
- How are responsibilities shared at home?
- Are you carrying most of the emotional labor?
Here’s a simple exercise: write down everything you do in a single day, from the moment you wake up to when you go to sleep. Then compare it with your partner’s list, if you have one. Many women find their exhaustion makes more sense once they see it clearly.
From there, the work becomes: asking, redistributing and practicing. Yes, it can feel uncomfortable. But it’s also where change begins.
I also want to gently remind you to make space for yourself. As mothers, time can feel limited. But even 15 minutes a day to enjoy a cup of tea, step outside or talk to a friend can help you reconnect with yourself and restore your energy.
Sometimes what we turn to for rest doesn’t actually restore us. Scrolling on our phones can offer a quick escape, but it can also leave us feeling more drained. Try to notice what truly brings you back to yourself, like movement, nature, connection, music or small moments of joy.
It’s not unusual to feel exhausted given everything happening in the world right now. Our nervous systems can only carry so much. If you find you can’t handle what you once could, it may be a sign that something needs to change.
You are doing a good job, Mamá. Even if it doesn’t always feel like it. My hope for you is that you remember that feeling tired or overwhelmed doesn’t mean you are failing or doing a bad job. It could mean that you are just feeling burned out.
Try to begin with yourself. Care for yourself deeply, so you can continue to care for those who depend on you.
Raising children in a healthy and conscious way can be one of the most revolutionary acts there is.
Querida Consejera is a mental health column tailored to San Francisco’s Latinx communities. I share practical tools, cultural insights, and answer your questions. Whatever’s on your mind, I’m here to help. You can write to me anonymously at consejos@eltecolote.org.
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- Stay up to date on resources, community events, and activities from Somos Esenciales and other community groups.
- Share your struggles, questions, and information needs with other women like you.
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