Dear Querida Consejera,
I’m an immigrant mother from Mexico, and I have two sons who were born and raised here in San Francisco. One is 12 years old and the other is 23. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know how to connect with them emotionally, especially when it comes to talking about how they feel or what they’re thinking. I struggle to start those conversations, and I don’t want them to feel pressured or distant from me.
How can I better connect with them and build trust to talk about their emotions?
— Leti
Querida Leti,
Thank you for your question. It’s one that so many parents and caregivers share, and it’s a reflection of your deep care and love for your sons. Wanting to connect emotionally with your children, especially as they grow up in a different culture than the one you were raised in, is a powerful and beautiful thing.
We’re living in a time where mental health is more openly talked about than ever before, especially in our Latinx communities. More and more caregivers are seeking ways to strengthen their relationships through emotional understanding and care.
Of course, every caregiver’s relationship with their child is different, and there can be many reasons why emotional closeness is difficult. As a therapist who worked with young children, I often found that after addressing symptoms of sadness, anger, fear or trauma, the most important work was often building attachment — that deep sense of emotional safety between a caregiver and child.
We aren’t always taught how to connect emotionally, especially if it wasn’t modeled for us growing up. But spending quality time with our children and showing them that their emotions and needs matter is one of the greatest gifts we can give them. It teaches them that they matter, too.
Emotional distance can happen when children don’t feel safe to share their feelings. That could be due to past hurts, fear, harsh discipline, not knowing how to express themselves, or many other reasons. But here’s the good news: it’s never too late to start healing and building a stronger connection.
One of the most powerful tools we have is learning to truly listen and validate. According to the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, honoring a child’s feelings — no matter how big or small — helps them feel safe enough to open up. Too often, we try to fix their feelings by saying things like, “don’t feel that way” or “it’s not a big deal.” But when we pause and say, “I hear you,” or “That sounds hard,” we build trust.
What about screens and technology?
One of the biggest barriers today is something many of us struggle with: screens and technology. Parents often feel disconnected from their children because phones, video games, and social media seem to take up all their attention — yet we also rely on technology to get through our days. I feel this challenge too, both as a therapist and a mother.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, nearly 95% of adolescents in the U.S. have their own mobile device. Teens spend an average of 6.5 hours a day on screens for non-school activities, and younger kids (ages 8–12) average around 4.6 hours. That’s a huge amount of time, and it impacts how we relate to each other.
The good news is that small, intentional moments of connection still matter. Try asking your kids open-ended questions during screen-free moments: on a walk, in the car or while cooking together. Ask about their favorite shows, games or music, even if it seems silly to you. Showing interest in their world builds the foundation for deeper conversations later.
You can also try:
- Creating screen time boundaries together
- Coming up with fun, shared alternatives
- Modeling your own healthy screen habits
And if they don’t open up right away, that’s okay. What matters is that you’re trying, and that they feel your love and presence — even in quiet moments.
More ways to foster closeness
Closeness with our children isn’t built in a day, and it can be shaped by many factors. Here are some gentle ways to deepen your connection over time:
- Reflect on how you listen
- Avoid giving unsolicited advice
- Be present and engaged
- Repair past mistakes with honesty
- Validate more than criticize
- Ask how they feel most loved
- Explore what “fun” looks like to them
- Support them in meeting their own needs
Sometimes, I like to “sneak” in meaningful conversations through play. Playing board games together can calm the nervous system and create the perfect moment for openness.
If you’re facing deeper challenges in your relationship or need support in navigating these issues, working with a mental health professional can be a powerful step. Two great directories to find a culturally aligned therapist are latinxtherapy.com and psychologytoday.com.
Thank you again, Leti, for your question and for caring so deeply. You’re planting seeds of connection, and those seeds will grow.
Con cariño,
Michelle Gutierrez
Disclaimer: These suggestions are for informational purposes only and do not constitute therapy. The information provided is not intended to address situations of abuse, addiction, or other harmful behaviors.
Querida Consejera is a wellness and mental health column tailored to San Francisco’s Latinx communities. Michelle Gutierrez, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, helps people navigate challenges like anxiety, depression, grief, trauma and life transitions. In this column, she shares practical tools, cultural insights, and answers your questions.
💌 Write to Michelle anonymously at consejos@eltecolote.org